I'm so bad, I kick my own ass two times a day

I had to put some hurt on a fool today because of something mind-blowing that happened to me this morning. There's this squad of telemarketers that are trying to get me to buy pills from them, I think I was feeling fat one day and signed up for some diet websites to look at crap like TrimSpa and stuff, and apparently these dick-less sacks of shit got my number from them. Note to self: make up fake numbers for surveys. Any who, these assholes have been calling me 3-4 times a week, at my work number, and every time I hear from them, I say "no thank you" to their offer, then hang up. They fuckers won't go away. I have also tried "no thank you, please take me off your list, you guys call me all the time and I don't want your product no matter how cheap it is." I also ask to speak to their manager, but nothing seems to turn these folks off of me. They turn-up like a frickin' bad penny, man. So, this morning, I was already having a crap day, and these fuckers decided to call me. I asked to speak to the manager, who, in heavily accented, very broken English, tells me his name is "Sam". Now, if this dude's name is "Sam", I'm a 10ft tall sock puppet named Raphael. So "Sam" tells me that he can't take me off the list, he doesn't have the authority. To which I reply with "Bullshit Sam, take me off your list. What you're doing is against the law, you have to take me off the list now that I have requested that you do so." He keeps jibber-jabbin' at me, and I get increasingly louder, and louder. Bear in mind, I'm at work...and I'm in a cube with completely open walls. So, he keeps telling me he can't take me off the list, I keep telling him he's full of shit, then the stupid fucker calls me "baby". This get's me even more mad."Did you just call me 'baby'? Who do you think you're talking to? How dare you! What makes you think that you calling me 'baby' will make me want your shit? Take me off your damn list!" He thinks he's cute, so he keeps throwing in "baby" and "darling" now, and every time he does, I get more and more furious. Then he says he can take me off the list, if I pay him $200. "$200? You want me to PAY YOU $200 to get off this list? That's extortion! You're actually trying to extort money from me! That's illegal, SAM!" This gets me nowhere, but now I have an audience of 3 of my cube neighbors. Sam and I go back and forth for another few minutes, and he keeps trying to get me to pay him off. Then he says "why should I take you off my list?" I reply "cause I will NEVER, EVER GIVE YOU ANY MONEY!!!! EVER!!! Calling me is a waste of your time and mine. Take me off your fucking list!" The next thing Sam says is absolutely mind-blowing. "You should come over tonight". "What? Are you asking me to come over?" I reply. Then, Sam tells me he'll give me $500 if I come over to his place tonight. I say "What the fuck are you talking about? Now you want to pay me to come over and yell at you tonight? Are you kidding me? You like being yelled at that much? Take me off your damn list!" Then Sam says he loves it when I yell at him, and he'll give me $500 to fuck him tonight. This is really just too much for a lady of my sensibilities. "Now you want to give me $500 to fuck you tonight? Are you masturbating? What the fuck Sam! Take me off your list!" Then, trying a new tactic, I say "I'm recording everything you say Sam". This turns him on even more. Then, at the suggestion of my cube neighbors, I put the fucker on speaker phone. He keeps going for a few seconds, then I tell him he's on speaker phone, and he hung up. Yelling at him was momentarily satisfying, but that son of a bitch is going to call me tomorrow. I hate Sam.

The Hell Mouth in my building

The trash chute in my building scares the ever-lovin' crap out of me. Normally, I fear any holes in walls or floors that are so deep and black that you can't see the other side of the wall or the bottom of the pit. And if the hole/pit gives off a chilly wind...boy howdy...I can't get away from it fast enough. I can't sleep in a place where one of these holes exists...cause God only knows what the hell is going to climb out of the holes when you're not looking. It may be the undead...it may be gigantic cockroaches...nothing good EVER crawls out of these types of holes. Think about it, have you ever heard of ponies or bags of money crawling out of a hole like this? Fuck no! Anyway, whenever I stumble on one of these holes/pits, I consider it a Hell Mouth, and I stay the fuck away from it. This usually isn't problematic, but this fear of mine has come to include the trash shoot at my apartment building. It's always given me the willies, but lately it's bugged me even more. To get to the trash chute, there's this doorway in the hall of my floor called "Disposal Room" (I suppose we also call the garage a "car-hold"). When you open the door, you are now in the beast's liar...and the hair on the back of your neck will stand up. The room is about the size of a walk-in closet, and the shoot door is the furthest thing in the room from the door. They've also rigged the light switch to go on when anyone walks in the room...but sometimes it doesn't work....so I can't go in there. So, assuming the light is on, you walk over to the shoot door with your refuse, and when you open the chute door, gird your loins, cause you're about to witness the unholy. This trash chute smells like what I imagine a forsaken child's tears must smell like...and it is completely and utterly pitch-black. I mean...completely black...not from paint, or goo from other people's trash...black from evil. And even though the chute is only big enough to accommodate a small-sized trash bag...I still get scared that I might fall in. And if I fell down into the trash chute, I would try to swallow my tongue so I could die before I hit the ground and had to face whatever dwells within it. That thing scares me...a lot. Maybe I can steal some holy water and carry it with me when I need to take out the trash.