Monday, February 18, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
An open letter to the C. U. Next Tuesday at the gym
Madam,
My stars! You must be really, really important, or famous or something. You must be like JLo or Colin Powell important! I was so humbled by your presence in the cardio theater this morning, I almost asked for your autograph, but then I was too shy to ask. I mean, you must be someone super amazing, I can't think of any other reason why you would need to take 2 cell phone calls within 10 minutes of each other this morning...in the gym...2 treadmills away from me...in the cardio theater. Surely something catastrophic would have happened if you didn’t take those 2 calls, even though it sure looked like you were just gossiping, I bet you were really saving the world....you know, "taking care of business". Cause if you weren't "taking care of business", you would have intentionally violated the sanctuary of the cardio theater. You wouldn’t do that, would you? I mean, the cardio theater has the same rules as a regular movie theater, and you know that. You wouldn’t take 2 cell phone calls in a regular movie theater, would you? No way, you're way too classy to be doing that nonsense, right? Man, I sure am glad those 2 phone calls were that important, and that you were the only one on the planet who could have provided the answers to those questions, and that you felt confident enough to take those calls, even though you were in the cardio theater with several other gym patrons. However, if you ever pull that kind of shit again, in my cardio theater, I'm gonna pull a razor outta my titties and cut you.
My stars! You must be really, really important, or famous or something. You must be like JLo or Colin Powell important! I was so humbled by your presence in the cardio theater this morning, I almost asked for your autograph, but then I was too shy to ask. I mean, you must be someone super amazing, I can't think of any other reason why you would need to take 2 cell phone calls within 10 minutes of each other this morning...in the gym...2 treadmills away from me...in the cardio theater. Surely something catastrophic would have happened if you didn’t take those 2 calls, even though it sure looked like you were just gossiping, I bet you were really saving the world....you know, "taking care of business". Cause if you weren't "taking care of business", you would have intentionally violated the sanctuary of the cardio theater. You wouldn’t do that, would you? I mean, the cardio theater has the same rules as a regular movie theater, and you know that. You wouldn’t take 2 cell phone calls in a regular movie theater, would you? No way, you're way too classy to be doing that nonsense, right? Man, I sure am glad those 2 phone calls were that important, and that you were the only one on the planet who could have provided the answers to those questions, and that you felt confident enough to take those calls, even though you were in the cardio theater with several other gym patrons. However, if you ever pull that kind of shit again, in my cardio theater, I'm gonna pull a razor outta my titties and cut you.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
My gym is so boss, except for the bitches, that is
I love my gym. Love, love, love my gym. It's a five minute drive from my joint, it's got a clean, fancy ladies locker room, an indoor lap pool, and this fantastic room called the "cardio theater". The cardio theater is such a flippin' good idea; I wish I had come up with it. It's about a quarter the size of a regular movie theater, and it has about 8 million treadmills, ellipticals, gazelle thingies, bikes, recumbent bikes, and one big-ass movie screen. It's dark, so no one talks, and they play a movie over and over again, all day long. So far, I've seen bits of Blades of Glory, Transformers, Lord of the Rings, and, sighs with disappointment, Fantastic 4 (God that movie was a stinker). Not great cinema, by any means, by Lordy, is it a great way to pass the time. Usually, I’m too distracted by my cardio machine, the other gym users and their antics, and by my brain nagging me with a constant "are we done yet? are we done yet? are we done yet?” Stupid brain, trying to puss-out on me. So, this cardio theater is the mutt's nuts, I love it. There are only 3 noticeable flaws to this gym that I have found so far: 1.) the shower curtains are about 6 inches shy of being wide enough to cover the shower stall's width (so everyone get's the $5 show for free), 2.) there is no steam room (Mama loves her steam rooms) and 3.) there are a few bitches who need to back the shit off. This week alone, I have had 2 bitches give me the super-sized stink eye. WTF? I'm friendly; I always give a head nod or a "good morning" to all my fellow gym goers. Hey man, we're all in this together, there's no need for petty stink eyein'. I can’t help it if I'm prettier and younger than you dried-up old skanks. You might as well be mad at the sky for being blue, so knock it off...or else I'll pull a razor outta my titties and cut you.
P.S. Thanks to this post, my spellcheck now has the words "skanks" and "eyein'"
