CELLTONE GEL BABA DE CARACOL! (translation: CELLTONE GEL SANIL DRIBBLE)

I saw this product on a Univision infomercial this weekend, so I looked it up on the internet, and this is what I found:

The snail dribble is the natural secretion of the earth snail (Helix aspersa M) that contains alatonia, colageno, elastina, vitamins and nonallergenic natural antibiotics, combined in ideal proportion to regenerate and to maintain the skin healthful.

The snail dribble Gel, acts like smooth exfoliation that clarifies the skin, eliminates the small scars, warts, regenerates the natural colageno and the subcutaneous elastina eliminating the wrinkles and maintaining the colageno hydric of the skin. It contains 30 grams.



Hot damn! Snail-trails are the panacea to all your skin ailments, and we had no idea! All this time, I was little little gold mines very slowly slide out of my life, almost taunting me with their secretions. But, now that I'm armed with this new knowledge, I'll be snatching those little bastards up left and right, so that all the snail-trail-miracle-skin-cure-goodness will be all mine! MINE!!!!

Best passenger page ever

Man oh man, I was at the DFW airport this morning, and I heard the most delicious page that God himself ever did allow. You know how they are constantly paging dinguses who aren't at the gate yet, or who got lost, or haven't checked in yet? Sure you do, we've all heard them. Usually, they go something like this "Passenger Brown, please pick up a white courtesy phone", or "Paging passenger Smith, passenger Smith, please report to gate 24." Generally speaking, those things pass in and out of the airport soundtrack unnoticed, but today...today, my friend, I heard something really special. "Paging passenger Crapboffer...paging passenger Crapboffer..." THAT IS AWESOME! It's like they were paging Mr. Shitfucker! Comedy gold, that was!

2 TON BALLS

This past Sunday, I was hanging out at my pal Wilksey's place, and we ordered a lovely pizza from Pappa John's. Said order was placed at 11:45 in the am. At about 12:35, the driver calls the apartment to get directions. Surely the pizza will come soon, I thought. At 1:00, we call the Pappa John's location we ordered from, and are told that the order has not yet left the building. We calmly pointed out that it must be en route, because their driver has already called us to get directions. They say "huh", and promise to call us right back. At 1:15, we call Pappa John's again, and ask calmly to speak with a manager. The manager says he doesn't know where the pizza is, but do we still want it? He then says he has no way of contacting the driver, to which Wilksey calls "bullshit." He says he'll try to contact the guy, then he'll us back. We finally hear back from the guy, and he says the pizza has left the building, and if it doesn't arrive in 15 minutes, it's free. Oh, it's free anyway...bitch! Is what I say...luckily, I am not on the phone at this point. The delivery guy shows about 10 minutes later (now it's 1:30), and he makes Wilksey call the Pappa John's manager again, and the manager graciously offers us 5 bucks off the pizza. Oh hell no! This shit is 2 hours in the coming, and you want to give me some shitty 5 bucks off crap!? Are you high!? Wilksey says no, we aren't paying for it, and makes the driver take the phone and hear this new info from the manager. The driver says okay, and hands over the food. And what happens next, is absolutely astonishing to me...the fucker actually holds out his hand and says "Tip". Not in a questioning way, a demanding, "where is my money bitch!" kind of way. Then he asks again, to which I reply from the top of Wilksey's stairs, "Oh hell no!!!" ON WHAT PLANET DO YOU DESERVE A TIP...JACKASS?! You are and hour and a half late, we've had to call your boss twice...fuck no, you ain't getting' no tip! But now I know why the pizza was and hour and a half late, the drive has 2 ton balls. Cause it takes 2 ton balls to ask for a tip after such shabby and embarrassing work performance.