Poop Grater

I came across this AMAZING article from the Dallas Morning news (see below), and the worl needs to knkow about it. There’s so much right with this article, I can’t stand it. I have spent all day telling my immediate neighbors at work about it, and I’m still not tired of talking about it. I’d like to start with the title of the piece, "Gripes of stench preceded pastry-tainting allegations." Pastry what smells of a mystery stench? Tell me more! Read the article yourself, cause it’s hi-larious, but I'll give you a brief synopsis for the sake of discussion. Apparently, a dude was saving what he crapped…drying it out until it hardened…then GRATED IT…and took the grated crap to the Fiesta (Fiesta is a local chain of Super Markets that cater to our Hispanic brothers and sisters), and sprinkled it liberally on baked goods. All on the sly. This went on for 7 months. 7 months, I tell you! People complained, but they never knew what was causing the poop-smell/taste. Finally, the Poop Grater got sloppy, and they caught him on video tape, “making a deposit” on some bread. So that’s the story in brief, now back to more reasons why this is cool. As I’m reading the article, I get to the part where the prosecutor gives his opening statements…and the prosecutor is a guy I knew in high school! How whippin’ sweet is that?! I know a guy, who knows a guy, who grated crap of his own manufacture, and then sprinkled said crap over baked goods! Holy Shit! And, my high school reunion is coming up in Dallas, so I might actually get to talk to this guy about the Poop Grater. That’s fucking Rock Diesel! “Good God Bogda, how can this get any better?” I says to myself…then it got better. I get to the end of the article, and find that the journalist who penned this most newsworthy story, has the email twyatt@dallasnews.com. This poor bitch’s name is 2 scant letters away from being twat@dallasnews.com. When I think about emailing this guy, I see him as a giant, hairy vagina, sitting at a computer, smoking a cigar. Now that’s good stuff.

By TIM WYATT / The Dallas Morning News

Gripes of stench preceded pastry-tainting allegations

Testimony began Tuesday in the trial of a cabdriver accused of dusting pastries with his dried, grated feces at a Dallas grocery store last summer.
Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh, 49, faces two felony charges of tampering with consumer products in separate incidents in July at the Fiesta Mart at Ross Avenue and Henderson Street.
In his opening statement Tuesday afternoon, prosecutor Taly Haffar told jurors that the store workers went through seven months of customer complaints that unpackaged, fresh-baked goods "smelled and tasted like manure" until the defendant was arrested in late July.
Mr. Nahidmobarekeh pleaded not guilty in state District Judge Vic Cunningham's court. His defense attorney, Clark Birdsall, did not give an opening statement.
While a Dallas County epidemiologist testified about the possible health risks to customers who may have eaten the contaminated cookies, pastries and bread, the state's main evidence so far consisted of two videotapes of incidents on July 13 and July 24.
In those tapes, a man with his back to the camera is shown scattering something over baked goods in the store while other shoppers pass by. No one reacts to the man on the first tape, but employees eventually detect a strong odor coming from a bread bin and begin to clear out the products and begin cleaning up.
A second tape is similar, except that the store's security manager runs down and detains the man later identified by police as Mr. Nahidmobarekeh. Shortly after the suspect is led away, a young boy reaches up and grabs a cookie from the nearby racks.
"It looked like cracked pepper at the time," Albert Bazan, a Fiesta employee, testified. "But it had a real strong odor ... a foul odor."
Dallas police reports state that a hazardous-material team collected samples of the contaminated goods and that authorities alerted the FBI's terrorism task force.
Testimony in the trial resumes today. If convicted, Mr. Nahidmobarekeh could face up to 20 years in prison.

E-mail twyatt@dallasnews.com

Hippie Hair

I’m not sure if dudes have this happen, or if other chicks do, for that matter, but I woke up a few days ago, and my freaking hair was long as hell. I mean, it’s so long that it get’s caught in the car door when I close it. It’s so long that it get’s caught behind my back when I sit in a high-backed chair. It’s so long that Crystal Gayle asked for my autography. Well, not really, that last one was a lie. Aren’t I naughty? Tee-hee! The thing is, I only have myself to blame; I hate spending my money on getting my haircut. Right about now, the dudes that read this will be saying “damn sister, just shell out the 8 bucks for a Super Cut and call it a day.” Which segues into one of the major differences between being a dude and being a lady. Now dudes, don’t worry, this isn’t going to turn into a “down with dick!” diatribe, but y’all do have some advantages when it comes to hair cuts and dry cleaning. “That’s because we have less hair”, some of you might be saying, but I challenge you to find a lady with really short hair that pays under 40 dollars per haircut. Same with dry-cleaning. I can take a white button down, cotton shirt to a dry cleaner, and it’s 15 bucks to get it clean. A dude can take the same shirt in, and it’s a buck fifty to clean. What the fuck!? But, it balances out when one examines how expensive men’s shoes are (damn! They’re like 300 dollars for a nice pair!) Back to the issue at hand…seriously, it’s like 150 buck every time I get my hair done…can you believe that shit? I ain’t got that kind of money laying around, so I only cut and highlight my hair about 3 times a year. It’s been about 3 months since the last round, so I’m close to being due, but my hair is freaky-ass long for some reason. Maybe someone’s spiking my juice with pre-natal vitamins or something, I don’t know. Moral of the story, get a haircut, you damn hippie!

I got the coolest compliment this morning

So, I'm at the fridge, getting some ice for my Crystal Light Raspberry Ice beverage, which I enjoy frequently, and I see my pal Peter. "How you doin'? I says to Peter, and he says "Hi Pumpkin". I call him "Sugar", he calls me "Pumpkin", it's kind of our thing. It's also cool cause Peter is British, and he has this cockney accent, so when he says "Pumpkin", it sounds cool. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. So, I'm getting ice, and Peter comes by, and says "you're looking very silky this morning". That's the coolest compliment ever! Silky?! That rocks! It makes me sound like some harem girl, or high class call girl. Damn, that's gonna keep me going all day. Silky...that's good stuff!

The Bus and I are back together

After a few months of "seeing other people", the DC Metro Bus and I are back together, and let me tell you, I remember why I left her. Don't get me wrong, I love the Bus, really I do, but damned if she don't get on my nerves. The bus stop is about an 8 minute walk from my pad, and all summer long, I have been driving to work because I couldn't stand how sweaty I got walking to the bus, then waiting for her in the pounding sun. So, my car and I started to spend a lot of time together, and things just started moving so fast, and before I knew it, I was driving to work every day, like common trash. But it was so exciting! Air conditioning, leather seats, a 5 minute commute, no chance of getting caught in the rain...it's been real sweet what me and the car have. But the thing is, the parking for the car ain't exactly cheap, and like you always here, most couples break up over money, so my car and I have agreed that it's time for me to go crawling back to the Bus. But you know what, I've actually been pretty excited about the Bus again. There's all kinds of freaky-freaky types on the bus that make for great people watching, and the bus gives me the chance to take a little morning walk every day, so it definitely has it's advantages. But, this morning, I got onto a crowded, no air conditioning-havin', babies cryin', smelly cologne-smellin' bus...which blew. That bitch better fancy herself up for me tomorrow, or I'm going back to the car.

The Bus and I are back together

After a few months of "seeing other people", the DC Metro Bus and I are back together, and let me tell you, I remember why I left her. Don't get me wrong, I love the Bus, really I do, but damned if she don't get on my nerves. The bus stop is about an 8 minute walk from my pad, and all summer long, I have been driving to work because I couldn't stand how sweaty I got walking to the bus, then waiting for her in the pounding sun. So, my car and I started to spend a lot of time together, and things just started moving so fast, and before I knew it, I was driving to work every day, like common trash. But it was so exciting! Air conditioning, leather seats, a 5 minute commute, no chance of getting caught in the rain...it's been real sweet what me and the car have. But the thing is, the parking for the car ain't exactly cheap, and like you always here, most couples break up over money, so my car and I have agreed that it's time for me to go crawling back to the Bus. But you know what, I've actually been pretty excited about the Bus again. There's all kinds of freaky-freaky types on the bus that make for great people watching, and the bus gives me the chance to take a little morning walk every day, so it definitely has it's advantages. But, this morning, I got onto a crowded, no air coniditioning-havin', babies cryin', smelly cologne-smellin' bus...which blew. That bitch better fancy herself up for me tomorrow, or I'm going back to the car.