2 Stupid Broads

So, I'm in the locker room at my gym, and there are these 2 nymphettes in there with me. The 2 of them are both about 5 foot, maybe 20-21 years old, and their work clothes look like their club clothes. I've seen these chicks before, they're what we call cardio rats. You know the type, they hog the treadmill/stairmaster/elliptical trainier/mirror, but never really sweat much. I also thought the 2 of them were really one person cause I've never seen them together before (like David Banner and the Hulk). And they use the hair dryer for too long and make the locker room really hot. They bother the rest of us. A lot. Today, one of them actually put her bra on, on top of her towel...it was bizzarre. Why would you do that? But, the crowning moment of the morning is when Broad A said to Broad B "the more layers of clothes I put on, the hotter I feel...isn't that weird?" Wait a minute...the MORE clothes you wear...the WARMER you become?! What the fuck!? Are you kidding me?! Does the press know about this!?

Those broads sure are stupid. They bother me.

P.S. A girl a work with just walked by and cut one...a loud one.

Chronicals from the Can

Women who pee too long weird me out. I was in the can earlier, cause that's my style, and this broad was peeing when I got in the bathroom. She was still peeing when my business had been conducted, and I was washing my hands. That's a long pee. It must have lasted at least 30 seconds, and it was a constant stream. I mean, how does that happen? Ladies, what's the deal? Do you hold it for 3 days, then finally allow yourself to pee? Cause that's what it sounds like. What are you people, camels? The other thing that weirds me out is when it sounds like chick is using a fire hose in the next stall. The force of the urine stream must be titanic to make such a noise! Again, what's the deal? Is your pee-hole the size of a garden hose nozzle or something? Did you just chug 8 Big Gulps? It's all about moderation, ladies. Moderation is the key to happiness. Moderation in pleasure, pain and peeing. Words to live by people.

Blogda don't like her college-kid neighbors.

Those little shits are sooooooooooo loud, it drives me insane. Bear in mind, I don't live that close to a college, but the little fucks move in here anyway, cause they suck. There's this particular group of unctuous cunts that live on my floor in #501. There's at least 2 of them, maybe more, I can never tell which ones actually live there and which are squatters. It really doesn't matter, they're all going down. So, last Friday night, I was home, doing my taxes (I couldn't wait to do my taxes, cause I'm a nerd like that), and those little shits in #501 were having they selves a little party. It's about 11:30 in the pm, and I'm up to my eyeballs in W2s and receipts, and the noise coming from down the hall is driving me insane. I finally can't concentrate anymore, so I get up, and go into the hall in my pj'ed glory. I get to the door of #501 and knock graciously. Some makeup-choked creature with a bottle of PINK champagne in her hand opens the door with about5 of her giggling cohorts standing behind her. I imagine they we expecting someone else, but they got me. I says, very nicely, "I don't mean to be a dick here, but I need you to keep it down." "Okay" they say...but before they can get the door closed, 2 of them say "Oh...that poor girl". What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Poor girl? Girl? I am a wo-man...I can buy and sell your skanky asses! I'm damn-near 30 for fuck's sake...girl! Who the fuck are you to condescend to me? Fuck you, bitches in #501! But, at least the whore squad quieted down a bit. Until 1:30 am, that is. Yep, at 1:30, the boys came over, and screaming that made the first round of screaming sound reasonable happened. Now, this is really just too much. There's elderly people across the hall from me, and a family with a small child. Show some godamn respect, bitches in #501! I sat there (still doing my taxes, which rocked cause I got a wicked-fat refund!), and I waited for the screaming to stop. I waited for 5 minutes. I couldn't stands no more. I get up, go out my front door and go around the corned to confront the crowd. The bitches were hanging out of the front door, screaming at a squad of girls and boys that are in the stairwell. This is entirely too fucking much for me to handle. I says:

"Shut the fuck up!"
"Oh, we were just leaving."
"I don't give 2 shits! You need to shut the fuck up!"
"Okay, we're leaving/"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

They shut the fuck up. But I still hate them, and they will have to go down.

Adolf Chaplin

There's this guy that works on my floor, and he looks like what would happen if Hitler and Charlie Chaplin had a baby. It's eerie. Sometimes, he rides the same elevator as me, and it's all I can do not to stare at this dude. He must get hassled all the time! I mean, he did this to himself...with growing that dumb moustache and all...but damn! Hitler Chaplin! I wish I could take his picture on the sly sometime, cause he's funny looking and he makes me laugh. But, at the same time, he scares me a little. He just might be evil. Maybe the Hitler part of him is too strong, you know? But, maybe the Charlie Chaplin part is the dominant one...that would be cool. What if he's planning to breed Uber Comedians in his spare time, which we all know is the purest Aryan comedy genius this planet will ever know. I mean, that might be cool, right? No...that would be cool, no question! As long as no genocide happens this time, cause let's face it, that was fucked up. But Uber Comedians...now that would be great! And what if Adolf Chaplin is like the Head Vampire of the Uber Comedians, the most powerfully funny of them all? All humor would originate from this one dude...and he would be on my floor! That would rock! Hail Comedy! Hail Adolf Chaplin! (throws right arm in air and clicks heels together...with violence).

An interesting take on Brokeback Mountain

So, I'm at the gym this morning, and I happen upon some of the trainers and their clients disucssing who's hotter, Brad Pitt or Joaquin Phoenix. Bear in mind that the trainers are both straight dudes, and the clients are both straight ladies. The one trainer named Brian, is absolutely beside himself because his client thinks Mr. Pitt takes second place to Mr. Phoenix. It's important to have a visual of Brian. Brian looks and sounds like Atabesee from OZ, minus the crazy eyes...if you don't watch OZ, Atabesee is this enormous, West African guy who can bench a Volkswagon. I mean, Brian was in a state. He kept asking "how can you tell me that Joaquin Phoenix is hotter than Bradd Pitt?" Finally, cause I'm a big mouth, I says "cause Brad Pitt is a skank who can't be satisfied, that's why." They all laugh, but Brian keeps at it. "how can he beat Bradd Pitt?" After about a minute and a half of this nonesense, I says "Well, Jake Gyllenhaal is hotter than both of them combined." The other trainer pipes in with "so that whole Brokeback Mountain thing didn't ruin him for you?" "Nope." I says as I smile. Brian askes what he means, and the other trainer says something about Brokeback Mountain being about the 2 gay cowboys. Brian's reply was so awesome, I had to leave the room. He said "Oh, the 2 gay guys? Well, that's cause they're white. A white guy will do that." AWESOME!!!! White guys, when left to there own devices, will go gay for eachother...according to Brian. In order to not laugh in his face, I had to leave the area, but I think he went on to tell everyone how black guys don't do that sort of thing, no matter how lonely they are, but white guys can't help it. That was so fanstatic!!! Brian is comedy gold.