Seriously Kashi...what the fuck?

So, a few weeks ago, I was wondering around the local food mart, looking for tatsy frozen dinners to enjoy, and this lovely green and white box caught my eye. It was one of those new-fangled Kashi meals, and let me tell you, it sure looked tasty. It boasted "Chicken marinated with lemon and rosemary, grilled then sliced. Served with baby Portobello mushrooms and sugar snap peas over our Kashi® 7 Whole Grains Pilaf, and topped with lemon rosemary sauce." I mean damn, I'm not made of stone here, who was I to resist? I likes chicken. I likes lemon rosemary sauce. So, needless to say, I popped that sweet-looking box into my basket, and ultimately into my freezer at home. As I stated before, it had been a few weeks since I bought that sucker, so when I opened the freezer this evening, you can imagine my glee at finding it again. "Oooooo!", I says, then I stuck it in the microwave, and waited for the goodness to be ready to eat. I should have known by the smell that I was going to be less than pleased. It kinda stunk like feet when it came out of the microwave, but it still looked good, so I decided to give it a try. Inedible. I mean, in-freakin'-edible. I think they ground up trolls with mustache clippings to make the sauce. And what was with all those crazy-ass mushrooms, man? I was prepared for some mushrooms, but not a plethora of them! I was promised "some", damnit! In. Edible. Period. I had to throw that shit out after 2 bites...now what am I to do about dinner? Fuck! Now I'm all hungry, pissed-off, and dinner-less (shakes fist!). Man, if you see that Kashi in the food mart, just walk on by. I know she's fine and all, and she says all the shit you want to hear, like "fresh", and "organic", but just smile and nod, then go back to good ole Lean Cuisine. Now that's a brand who knows how to keep me satisfied. Sure, it get's a little dull having the same ole, same ole all the time, but I tell you what, the grass ain't greener on the Kashi side. It;s actually significantly less green...and it smells like a foot. That Kashi is one nasty-ass bitch, I got to loose her number.

Shit I'm Thankful for

Hello, my many spendid pets. It's that time of year where we all take a moment and reflect on what we are thankful for. Not even Blogda is immune to this tradition, even though she is kind of an iconoclast. So, without further ado, here's my list of shit I am thankful for:

1.) My office lets people bring their dogs to work. It is physically impossible to be unhappy when there's puppies around you, it's a scientific fact. Look it up. Puppies are neat.

2.) The color Kelly Green (also known as Emerald Green). I look so kickass in this color, I have to ration out the times that I wear it so as not to blind my neighbors with my glory.

3.) The Family Guy. Every episode is full of at least 3 laugh-out-loud moments. It's rare these days for a show to be as consistently fantastic as TFG has been, so I salute you, creators of TFG. Huzzah to you, good people!

4.) Cookies. God damn, cookies are delicious. I fucking love cookies. Period. If you don't at least like cookies, you must hate yourself.

5.) My Dad's health. Yeah, I had to get all sentimental and shit at least once, right? But seriously, the Old Man almost died a few times in the last 2 years, so the fact that he is so healthy and strong today is nothing short of miraculous. I am truly thankful that my Pop is a tough old bastard.

6.) All my cool-ass work buddies. Now, it's easy to fall into a routine with your work buddies, and kinda of take for granted that they'll always be there to make you laugh and open your hard-to-open jars for you, but take it from me, they may not be around for ever! Enjoy them while you can, and maybe bring them a nice sandwich now and again. Nothing fancy, maybe just a nice turkey sandwich with a little Swiss cheese and a nice mustard. And maybe a pickle. And some chips. And a cookie. Yeah, a cookie would be a nice way to top that off. Shit. Now I want a sandwich.

The list goes on, I assure you, but I think this is a good start. Have a happy and joyous Thanksgiving, my friends, and maybe bring me a sandwich sometime.

Respect the office

So, I was pursuing ye olde CNN.com this afternoon, and a little article called “Things you should never do at work” caught my eye (cause I was at work, and I didn’t want to be doing something that I should never do, see?). I start reading that sucker, and the first 8 or so things where pretty conventional: don’t steal shit, don’t lie about shit, don’t play hooky, blah, blah, blah. Then, I get down to the last item, and it was fantastic! “Do NOT hit on your boss”. No foolin’? I thought I might get that raise if I gave up a little of the strange to my boss. What jackass is out there, right now, looking at his/her boss, thinking “I want to tap that, and I think it would be 100% appropriate for me to act on this impulse. I bet he/she would be receptive to this tact.” Seriously, do we actually need these basic-ass rules in this day and age? Do we need to be told not to dress in tube-tops and hooker boots? Or not to steal shit? Come on now people, this is the 21st century. Mama raised us right; we do NOT need this kind of elementary reminders. And if you do, I shake my finger at you, you laggard!

Nursing program, my Aunt Fanny!

So, I checked my junk email bin on Yahoo Mail this afternoon, and it was chocked-full of ads trying to get me to sign up for some nursing program. They obviously don’t know with whom they are messing. I would be such a piss-poor nurse, it’s retarded. Sure, I could be a nurse, I got the smarts and stuff, and I am an empathetic caregiver and all, but only with the very few people that I actually like. Everyone else can suck it. I hate people, in general. People are dumb. People are whiny. People are filthy and sticky and smelly…oh my! I have no time to put up with “people.” If you need me to fluff your pillows, wipes your drool-speckled chin and spoon-feed most excellent chicken soup (what’s made from a real chicken!), I better straight-up love your ass, otherwise, you’re screwed. And not in the sexy-goodtimes kinda way. Nursing program…(shakes head).

You had better bring the chivalry

Let's start this off by saying that on the whole, I'm a strong modern girl of the new millennium. I support myself, I can buy your ass some dinner, and I can open my own jars. But just because I CAN do all of that, doesn't mean you fellas are off the hook. I am a lady, and hence, I expect to be treated with a few dignities. I'm talking basic etiquette shit here. For instance: if you are waiting for the elevator, don't try to rush in the second the door opens. If you do that, then I can't get off the elevator, so you've done nothing but complicate matters by your hasty actions. Which is just rude. Seriously man, wait a few moments to let us elevator patrons of the damn car, then you can pick whatever standing spot you want, and you can easily press your floor button without all of our bodies in your way. See, everyone wins this way. Your way just results in me shoulder checking your dumbass on my way out while I say, rather loudly, "EXCUSE ME". And if you really piss me off, I'm throwin' elbows too. Big, messy elbows that rattle your teeth. And another thing, hold the damn door open as your walking through it. I am talking to you, door-slammers! How hard is it to just pause a moment and keep the door open for a lady? About as hard as a geriatric man's wang, that's how hard. Yeah...that was gross...sorry about that. I just get all worked up when I think about all those doo doo bags who clearly see me coming, laden with bags and laptops and beverages and the like, then oh so casually allow he door to slam shut right on my mug. My stars! What kind of person treats a lady in such a fashion? A sorry sack of hobo turds, that's who. An no one wants to hang out with a sorry sack of hobo turds, no matter what your mother might have told you. And you certainly ain't gonna get to see my cookie place behaving like that! Moral of the story, if you see me, you better recognize, and you better bring the chivalry.