Things that displease me

1.) Blue M&Ms
I'm an M&M purest, and I liked my brown, tan, green, yellow and orange M&Ms just fine. What's this blue shit? I like the Earth tones, baby! Fuck the blue M&Ms, fuck them in their smug little blue asses. Same goes for you red M&Ms.

2.) 20 something boys at Gold's Gym
#1, I am not impressed with how much you bench. #2, Yelling the word "faggot" to your pals is inappropriate (even if he does prefer the company of men), you're in public for godsake, not your rat-hole apartment in Addison Circle. Your job, 20 something boys, is to sit there, and look pretty. Don't over extend yourselves, it just makes me hate you.

3.) Auto-Renew functinality
If I wanted more of that stuff, I would have ordered more. Don't try to tell me what I want and need, you don't know me, you don't know me at all!

4.) IBM Stink Pads
Boy, my Stinkpad sucks balls. It's moody, unrealiable, (insert 1990's comedian joke about women here). It's like all the negatives to a bad realtionship, without any of the boot knockin'.

Welcome to Menopauseland, the unhappiest place on Earth!

I came across a headline about this new destination website called "Menopauseland" in one of the trade pubs I read (oh yes, I read the trade pubs), and it offended me greatly. Now, I can see how creating a social space for menopause-suffrn' Estroven users to commune/celebrate with each other is a good idea, I really can...but seriously..."Menopauseland"? Are they high? Let me tell you from experience, menopause is flat-fucking awful (I had medically induced menopause from a drug called Lupron twice in my 20's). I don't ever, ever want to hang out in a place that evokes all my memories of severe hot flashes, weight gain, massive mood swings, etc. The word "menopause" is extraordinarily evocative and polarizing (to both women and men), and should be used with caution laced with respect. It's also exclusively owned by women who have experienced it, so anyone seeking to casually appropriate it is looking for fistful o' trouble. With all that said, if the purpose of the site is to remind Estroven users that their lives are not in fact run by their menopause symptoms, why the deuce would you call the site "Menopauseland"? The name of the site makes me think that Estroven has no idea who I am and what I want or need. And that is the kiss of death for a brand. This article astounds me, and it reminds me of a righteous truth: a great idea can be ruined by a poor execution. Oh, and that fat white guys shouldn't be working on feminine brands.

Brandweek
Estroven Ads Beckon: Come to Menopauseland
April 15, 2008

By Todd Wasserman

Few women look forward to menopause, but Amerifit wants to make Menopauseland a popular destination with a $20 million campaign for its Estroven supplement.

The effort, via BrandBuzz, New York, describes a metaphorical place where women are unburdened by the effects of menopause thanks to Estroven, an over-the-counter supplement made up of all-natural ingredients such as soy and black cohosh, plus vitamin D.

The campaign includes 15- and 30-second TV spots, print and online revolving around a postcard image from a woman to a friend, describing how Estroven has helped her in the journey to Menopauseland, where the sun shines and dark clouds are short-lived.


"Our extensive market research showed us that women in this lifestage are celebrating their achievements and if they can keep the symptoms of menopause at bay, they are happier now than they were when they were younger," said Steve Swenson, director-marketing at Amerifit Brands, Cromwell, Conn., in a statement. "Menopauseland is a place where women successfully navigate around their symptoms of menopause and are able to embrace this new phase of life."

http://www.brandweek.com/bw/news/recent_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003789751

Fucking idiots...probably spent millions of damn dollars on this shit too...jackasses. And what's with the Janice Dickenson-lookin' bitch they have on the front page? Seriously...these guys are idiots. I hope they all get itchy ball rashes.

All is well in the belly of the Blogda

God bless modern science, she has delivered me from endometrial evil, yet again. Surgery went great. I had quite a bit of endometriosis behind my sly little uterus, which where erradicated with LASERS! I also had some adhesions on my 'testines and right ovary, which are now free and clear. And lastly, I had a cyst on my right ovary (that the ovary that a Dr. in DC told me was "suspicous"), so that sucker is gone too. Unfortunately, I have 3 extra holes in my belly right now, which are ailin' me something fierce, but they will close up in no time, so I ain't too mad at that. Once I go in for my follow-up appointment, I hope to get my gut-pics...I can't wait to see me from the inside.

Pictures of my Guts

Tomorrow morning, I go into the Plano Surgery Center for a laparoscopy of my abdomen. See, I gots the endometriosis real bad, and the only recourse is surgery. In case you’re wondering what endometriosis is, here’s a quick synopsis:

Ladies, as we all know, have a uterus. Inside said uterus, endometrial cells grow, forming the endometrial lining. This is the lining that becomes the amniotic sack (for holding babies and shit). If the lady doesn’t get in the family way, the endometrial lining dissolves and leaves the body with the extra blood supply, which, in laymen’s terms is “the period”. Endometriosis happens when those endometrial cells grow outside of the uterus, in the abdominal cavity. They can be anywhere; kidneys, intestines, liver, ovaries, etc. Since these cells are jerks, they bleed every month when the lady gets her period. The body responds to this random bleeding by forming scar tissue over the site. This can cause adhesions, which are massive scar tissue build-ups that end up attaching things to stuff (like ovaries to intestines, or intestines to kidneys…not a good scene). Another delightful side effect is ovarian cysts. These nasty little bastards attach themselves to left or right ovaries, often times growing to 10 times the size of the ovary itself. I hate cysts. Having endometriosis means feeling generally terrible, and can lead to possible infertility and in the very rarest cases, death.

So, now you know what it is. The upside of things is that while they’re in my belly, they’re gonna take lots of hi-resolution picture of my guts. How rad is that? I’m gonna start a site called “Pictures of my Guts.com” I can’t wait to see what’s happening in there. So, there you go gut-pics to come.

“Well, he had to hit me”

I went to a brunch thing this weekend, and I met the coolest little kid of all time. Me, my pal Karen, my new pal Adrienne and her 6 year old son Hudson we all enjoying our meal out side on the patio, and Adrienne told us that she had a story about Hudson to share:

“One day last week, I had to work a little late, so my husband picked the kids up from school. When I got home from work, Hudson’s best friend David’s father called me to apologize for David hitting Hudson at school that day. I said to his father, ‘I didn’t hear anything about this, let me call you back.’ I go find Hudson and ask him if David hit him at school, and Hudson said ‘well, he had to hit me... I’m made out of titanium, and he had to know what it felt like to hit titanium.”

Hudson was sitting there with us while his mom was telling the story, and when she was done, he nodded his head and said “I am made out of titanium.” We asked him if he came that way or if he had the titanium put in later. After giving us the stink eye, he said “I came this way. And I’m gonna live 1 hundred twenty thousand years!” He went on to say that he could eat a piece of ham as big as a window. Coolest. Kid. Ever.