Little known facts about Chuck Norris

My pal Harrison populated a similar list a few months back, and it pleased me greatly. Since then, and update to the list has become available, and I thought it would be just plain selfish to keep it to myself, so my little chickens, read, and learn:

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. 

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. 

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. 

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe. 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. 

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. 

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. 

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. 

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. 

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. 

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn. 

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. 

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion. 

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer. 

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.